My sweet babies:)

Mason & London,

One week ago today you joined our family and changed my life forever.

After living in the hospital for a month and giving you every minute of time possible to grow next to my heart.....the doctor finally decided that my body had been through enough. 

You were thoroughly examined by a specialist for over and hour and I was told how beautiful and healthy and strong you were.

Of course, you weren't quite ready for life outside yet...but with time I was told that you would be PERFECT and assured that it was ok to consider MY health. I don't think it's physically possible to care more for yourself than for your child....but at that moment they weren't giving me a choice in any of it:)

I think his exact words were...

"You've done enough Kristin. They will be healthy and strong. You've done everything you can for them and it's time for YOU. It's time to let nature take it's course."

I don't remember much after that appointment other than fear....followed by a peaceful feeling that I knew you were coming...and SOON....even though you might struggle a bit when you got here.

I was scared.

I was wheeled back to my hospital room that had become very familiar and actually felt like "Home". A haven that I was scared to leave for fear that you might come before you were healthy and strong and that it would be all my fault for not holding you in.

 (no matter how physicallly impossible that may be:)

I cried because I knew that he was right.

I was DONE.

My body was ready.

Even though I wished and hoped that I could let you grow for a few more weeks and be big enough to come home with me. Even though I knew being separated from you sounded like something I couldn't do....I knew he was right.

They stopped giving me the medication...the medication that had kept you from coming for almost 3.5 weeks now...and within 24 hours I was in labor.

Your birth story and the thoughts and feelings I have leading up to it will take me a few weeks to put fully into words. That day was very special to me. I knew that it could very possibly be the last time I experienced bringing a child (or two) into the world. I wanted to memorize every moment of it.

 All the hours in the hospital...alone and bed ridden every day...I would ponder how it would happen and when you'd come and what it would be like to see you for the first time.

The story of your birth will come shortly!

I can't wait to share it with everybody:)

Tonight...although I am sleep deprived and sore and hurting from head to toe....I just had to "attempt" typing you a little note on your ONE week birthday as we are separated tonight and my heart is breaking.

I got really sick after your birth and was only able to see you a handful of times inside your little isolettes in the NICU before I was locked out and unable to visit.

I haven't seen you or touched you in DAYS and it feels like a part of me is physically missing.

Grandma is staying with me and picking up the pieces as I continually fall apart throughout the day.

I need to see you. I need to hold you.

Or just let you hear my voice.

But I can't.

I want you to know that Daddy comes to you each night and holds you and feeds you and takes countless pictures and video clips for me to watch. I love you so much and my heart aches for the day...hopefully within a week...when I can see you or hold you. I would take anything....even the chance to stare at you through a window if they'd let me!

I sit here and struggle to understand why it has been sooooooo hard for me to get my hands on you for so many years!

I fought so hard to get you here to earth.

Infertility for years.

IVF

Horrible pregnancy to say the least:)

Hospitalized for a month

Emergency C-section

Followed by:

Blood Transfusions

Loss of vision

Pink Eye

Virus after Virus in the hospital

Loss of memory for bits and pieces of the days following your birth

Cold sores from the stress of it all!

As I hit my knees tonight and begged for it to all end and for me to get well enough to see you and let you hear my voice...I got the impression that although it's been HARD and our earthly meeting has been delayed by so so so so many things.....it will make our reunion that much more meaningful and our bond that much more eternal. Afterall, aren't the things we work the hardest for the things we hold closest to our hearts?

You are my miracle babies and I love you with all my heart.

Tonight I rode to the hospital with daddy and grandma for the first time.

I watched as they walked into the NICU and the door closed in my face.

I sat in the lobby and closed my eyes...trying to picture what you look like.

Trying so hard to REMEMBER the one or two times I actually got to see your face.

From the Video clips you have grown!

Yoru cheeks are getting chubby...and your starting to open your eyes occasionally.

MASON....my sweet baby boy...

you struggled the most after birth and I am so proud of you!

You worked so hard to breathe and after a week of oxygen and surfactant treatments and your chest working so hard to breathe...you have improved drastically.

I have never seen you without IV'S and Oxygen and handfuls of tubes coming out of your little body.

Tonight as I watched the video of you peacfully sleeping with all of those tubes removed....I sobbed into your daddy's shoulder. You did it. While I'm fighting to get better out here...so I can see you again...you are fighting so hard in the NICU to come home where you belong.

You are going to be a fighter.....and as smart and quick as your big brother:)

(This was first and ONLY time I've held you my sweet boy. Although, I don't remember it at all! Moments later I was getting a blood transfusion due to losing so much blood during surgery. I lost memory of most of this day:)

LONDON.... my baby girl and best friend...you are so beautiful.

My favorite memory of your birthday (and one of the only I have of that day:) is seeing you born first and held up over the sheet! The doctor said "HI MOM!" as you held all 4 pounds of you up so I could see you kicking and screaming.

The specialist was right! Your lungs worked fine:)

You didn't need an ounce of help or oxygen from the beginning.

The nurses in the NICU say that you will come home to me FIRST....and they told daddy that you are 4 pounds of "attitude".

That made me laugh. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree...because both Grandma and Daddy said that you were TOTALLY my daughter.

Sassy and determined.

I am so happy that you are healthy and strong.

Until I can be with you....know that I love you and I am counting the minutes until I can bring you home and we can finally be a family.

This experience continues to teach me things.

YOU TWO were sent to teach me many things I'm sure.

Happy ONE WEEK birthday my Twins!

....and please hurry and grow and learn to eat and meet your milestones, etc....because the NICU is somewhere around 2,200.00 a night PER child:)

Love, mom



Kerry Wood

Jarom walks into my hospital room Friday night after work.

Isn't it strange how something so foreign can become so normal????

I. Live. At. A. Hospital.

Anyhow....

I start telling him about my every ache and pain...just to keep him informed and all. Ya know...make sure he knows just how bad everything from my hips to my mental state are suffering:) ha!

He listens patiently and then I pause....waiting for a response.

ya know...waiting for the kind of response he usually gives that helps me feel better and makes me feel like I'm amazing for doing this and doing such a wonderful job at it..and how it's almost over and I've almost made it (hey...a woman cannot be reminded enough)....

He stares at me and responds:

"Did you know Kerry Wood retired today. I mean it was so sad. Chicago Cubs best pitcher ever. I mean...he wanted to pitch one more time....so they called him out during the game and he pitched 3 strikes...just struck him out and then walked off the field. Even the broadcaster started crying and had to go off air for a minute. It was pretty bad......then his four year old ran out onto the field and hugged him.....blah blah blah blah blah....(me trying to follow how obviously critical this is to life and all that is happening around me)....

------

Sooo....for those of you who didn't know....or don't have a live feed to ESPN going on 14 different electonic devices at one time like the men I know.....

Kerry Wood (Chicago Cubs Pitcher and amazing player)

retired today.

Monumental day. For the Cubs.

For Jarom.

-------

I then called the nurse and asked for one of my percocet and explained my physical pain to her instead:)

I figured after all Jarom has done this week to help me out...I could let him sort through his "feelings" for Kerry Wood while I kept my whining to a minimum.

------

Saturday was Jaxson's last soccer game of the season.

His mama doesn't get to go.

But I do get to watch video clips afterward that make me smile:)

P.S.

MY babies could come this week!
I am giving myself a pat on the back right now for keeping them in this long.
2.5 weeks ago my doctor predicted that I had 2 weeks max.
I know I can make it another week....even though I will spend as many hours bawling and miserable as I will being determined and stubborn to make this happen how I want/need it too!

Life is changing...and quick.

NO matter how difficult things get with them on the OUTSIDE....I will remember this particular sleepless night in pain and KNOW that it was just as tiresome with them on the INSIDE...only I didn't get to kiss the crap out of them and stare in awe at their faces...knowing they're both mine:)


Is it wierd that Jarom and I have ZERO...I mean ZERO idea what to name our little girl??
Nothing seems right. Nothing fits.
Partially because I cannot believe that I will have a little girl at all.

We like a handful of names......but not a single one can tip the scales.

The one Jarom came up with has LOTS of meaning.....tied completely to BASEBALL if you could wrap your mind around that:) haha.

He might win...because he's picky and won't agree to anything too unique or too cutesy:)
He also has to have a nickname.

geez. picky picky.

The name I've called her for 5 straight months was just questioned because..."what
  nickname could I call her???" he all of the sudden says.
He raises a good point.


This naming a baby business is  becoming a BIG DEAL.

Now try naming TWO.
Overwhelming.

-----


I am telling you something.
Until they perform my C-section and pull TWO FULL HUMANS out of me...I will not believe that their could possibly be TWO. How do you wrap your mind around that? I can't believe this is happening.

----

I've decided to end each blog post (for your entertainment) with the comments I get as I waddle down the hospital halls these days. Some of them are said directly to my face...some are said not-so-quietly but by people who are convinced that I didn't hear them:)

"Oh ouch. Look at her."

"That right there is CRAZY!"
(my favorite one today)

"I am so sorry honey."

"Any minute, huh?"

"Is that painful?"

"I just feel so bad for you..."

----

I guess I must have looked a little "rough" today:) I should have done my hair...although I'm not sure that would have changed things that much!


p.s.
I have a roll...like a mini-fat-roll on my neck.


The good news is Jarom ALWAYS says I look great.
He is the sweetest liar around.

Goodnight:)

xoxox
Kris

My List of Positives:)

Today was a pretty good day:)

Not fabulous or super fun....because remember how I'm locked up and GIGANTIC?!?

 I must say that out of the

14 days...(2 entire weeks people) that I have been hospitalized

 it was one of the better ones.


p.s. This is a picture of my belly:) 2-3 weeks ago I think??
Large and in charge. For sure.

Having my family be split up and separated....is still the most difficult thing I've ever experienced.

I recently finished reading "Heaven Is Here" by NieNie and as I read I could feel her pain through her words...not the physical pain...but the emotional and mental toll that being separated from your children could cause. The guilt. The mourning of lost time.

 That broke my heart for her the most. Can you imagine losing MONTHS of time with your children?

It was only 2 days after finishing her book that I was stuck in here...and when I'm feeling really depressed or like I'm "missing out" on Jaxson's Tball games, Soccer Games, or warm days at the park....I think of her.  

She is slowly recovering from the burns and the physical scars...but to MISS OUT on even one day, week or month of your babies childhood is life-altering.

Tonight Jarom showed me the video clip of BOTH of Jaxson's homeruns this week during his Tball game. I was smiling from ear to ear and felt like I could burst I was so excited to watch it over and over and over. I can't decide if watching him whack it clear into the outfield or his little sweat bands makes me more happy.

Jaxson is amazing me with his ability to wake up in a new place everyday and head in a different direction. The hospital gave him a big stuffed gorilla/monkey and he takes it everywhere with him to "remind him of me". Isn't that sweetest?

He told my friend the other day that when he carries the monkey....he feels like I'm with him too.

Pause to feel bad for me:( or wipe tears of complete and utter depression from your face.

Oh....now that was gut wrenching for me to hear.

-------

For the most part though...he is feeling pretty special.

He is getting spoiled rotten and getting so many fun experiences that he wouldn't otherwise.

Because I have been complaining like a crazy person on this blog of mine.....I decided to share a few positives!

HERE GOES....Get ready:)

1. My babies are still inside. I have successfully held them in for 2 weeks since being admitted and practically in labor. Go me. My goal is holding them for 2 more weeks. It will never happen...but hey, dream big I say.  

2. Jarom told me that we've saved a lot of money in the last 2 weeks with me being locked up and unable to shop:) He said that our credit card has never looked so good!!!....as he was pushing me on my evening wheelchair ride outdoors for some fresh air:) haha! (now just wait until he gets the hospital bill)  Instead of reminding him what that will look like....I decided to let him be happy for the time being.

3. Today I got up, showered, did my hair and makeup, paid bills and started filling out darling boy/girl baby albums for the twins. I found the most perfect Keepsake Albums at Deseret Book a few months ago...and I realized that I would have NEVER had the time to fill out everything in such detail if I wasn't locked up on bedrest:) It is fun to reflect on my pregnancy and details that will be fun to tell them about in the future!

4. My Jaxson came to visit me for 45 minutes this afternoon and we went outside and sat on a blanket under the shade of a tree. It was short and sweet but even seeing him and knowing that he is happy makes me at peace.

5. My Nail lady made a "house call" and came to the hospital to fill my nails and do the cutest glitter toes ever. My swollen sausage toes look SOOOOO ADORABLE:)

6.  I am happily looking forward to the day I return home and appreciate the simple things like TVO and all of my recorded shows that are waiting for me:) I know what you're thinking....I will never have time for TV with newborn twins!!To which I respond: Of course I will...I will most likely be nursing 7 out of every 10 hours of the day....from the couch. Perfect time to play catch up.  

7.  Today my Sister-in-law Kesley tended my Jaxson. She took him swimming in her families gorgeous backyard pool and then to hold/play with puppies and chickens. It is so much easier to relax and endure my THREE NST'S, bloodwork and testing each day KNOWING he's having a blast. He then requested spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and then spent 2 hours in the hot tub! Uncle Ryan and Aunt Kelsey know how to spoil:)

8. I raided the gift shop today...and it was fun. I love to browse and shop. I just do:) I don't really like online shopping either....it's more about the getting "out" and the looking and seeing in person. SO....today I had a little fun in the ONLY store within wheelchair pushing distance. I got Jaxson and both the babies the most darling fuzzy Lion you've ever seen...so they can all have a matching toy. Tomorrow I plan on writing them each a special letter to go with it that explains just how much they each mean to me, about this time spent in the hospital and a little about the sacrifices that we each must make during this life that aren't easy....but are always worth it.

9. I also bought various other things...including an assortment of To-do lists and post-it notes. Aaaggghhhhh......I finally feel at home:) haha. Jarom came home (to the hospital) from work tonight and was busy doing prep work for his BIG TRIAL from his bed (the rocking chair in the corner of my room) and asked me..."you don't happen to have any post-it's do you??"

ummmmm......ask and you shall receive.

I walked over to my LARGE bag from the gift shop and handed him an assortment pack of all sizes and shapes of sticky notes in hot pink polka dot print.

Jarom responded...

"What the hell is all that?" as he pointed to my Hallmark bag of "gift shop finds"

....and then we both laughed....because it's been approximately 24 hours since he congratulated me on not purchasing some kind of knick knack or toy for the kids or for organizing:)

----

Hey...he's darn lucky I did.

Heaven forbid he didn't have post-its while he's busy prepping for trial.

He did, however, say that he's embarrassed for anyone to see that they are covered in hot pink polka dots. Something about him not being taken seriously?!?! haha. His client is only on trial for 10 years to life...and Jarom's notes look like they are straight out of legally blonde:)

---------------

xoxo

from Ogden Regional

Kris


I will leave you with a picture from a shower a few weeks ago...
You can tell how swollen my face and hands are....but focus on the cutest matching jammies ever that my mom gave me! I was spoiled rotten that day:)

plus...what pregnant woman doesn't use their belly as shelf at times?!?
One of it's FEW uses.



28

I turned 28 Years Old today.

Which would be really exciting.....except...

The thing is.....I decided at about noon...that I refuse to celebrate my birthday today because the world was consipiring against me and everything was going awfully wrong.

Birthdays should be about food and friends and family...opposed to...oh let's say...

SUFFERING.

I called my mom and told her that my bday would be celebrated on JUNE 14th instead and that she could start planning my party.  

Watch for pictures of a wonderful celebration. TO come.

----

Today consisted of.....being startled awake 10 times in the night for blood draws, urine samples and various other tests....resulting in 2 hours of sleep total (not consecutive hours either).

 I guess my legs no longer have reflexes too?!? I can't figure out why that's so important....but turns out that having feeling in your lower extremeties is kinda a big deal:) I pushed that worry down on my list of priorities...because from the moment I woke up I felt intense pain and burning in my eye...and that new pain (I get a new something every 24 hours).....was taking precedence.

I guess I have PINK EYE.

Pause for a moment and think to yourself:

 " How does an adult get pinkeye??? Don't 3 year olds get pink eye??"

I'll tell you how...you breakout of the hospital to attend a preschool graduation.

My doctor told me that with 100% surety I got it from one of my little preschoolers:)

See why I'm such a rule follower?!? I can count the times I've broken the rules on ONE hand....and each time I suffer tremendously:)

My eye was literally swollen shut for half of the day....while I sat here alone in my teeny tiny room having contractions and being forced to swallow pills such as: stool softeners.

WHY IN THE CRAP DOESN'T MOTHER'S DAY last for a solid week???

I cannot believe the things we do to have children!!!!

We deserve day after day of praise and adoration.

After a miserable morning....and a mean old nurse who made me cry and tried to convince me that I had magically developed allergies overnight...like her daughter did to dogs (I have never had allergies a day in my life....and the sassy side of me wanted to ask if she could see a dog running around my room that I was missing somehow)...I finally convinced her that something was wrong.

I actually used my ultimate threat...that I save for only the most serious situations....

"I'm gonna call my husband!!!"

(little do they know that I am so much meaner than him it's ridiculous...and that he couldn't hurt a fly.... let alone tell the nurse where to go and how quickly to get there:)

------

Within an hour I was started on a Z-pack for a major sinus infection/cold that has lasted 12 days, antibiotic eyedrops for pinkeye....and praise the heavens....A SHIFT CHANGE so that I could get a new nurse who believed me and whom I adore.

Oh yah...I guess I have a bladder infection as well?!? Too much information? Yep.

BUT if it's sympathy I'm going for here...I felt that I shouldn't leave anything out.

I guess all of these things are normal...when your body is tired and sick of meeting so many demands:)

--------

The day wasn't all bad!!

My doctor came in for a special visit and told me that he is praying I don't get some kind of major plaque by tomorrow that will kill me:) I told him that I was leaving this place tomorrow...and he told me to lay back down because I was hallucinating. It was only kinda funny at the time.

 I get to see a perinatologist in the morning...and I always look forward to taking an in depth look at these babies and how much they are growing!

My 5 year old baby came to visit me. Best thing ever.

He bought me a spiderman card and picked me out special HEART earrings...so that I could wear them in the hospital and know just how much he LOVES me.

Ummmmm......that is some sweet stuff right there, agree??

My mother-in-law brought me Zupa's.

I had wonderful room service for dessert of strawberry cheesecake.

(you don't have to give a crap that you're a diabetic on your birthday...did you know that's a

rule that I just made up??? It's true)

....and the most attractive man I know took me for a wheelchair ride OUTSIDE...

My 2nd time outside in 12 days.

The sprinklers were on...and the sun was just going down...and it smelled like heaven.

------

I love a MAY birthday.

I am pretty excited that my babies will be born in MAY...and that every year from now on we can all enjoy the sunshine and excitement for summer that MAY brings....together.

I had so many wonderful calls and emails for my birthday...and truly know how many great friends that I've been blessed with. Thank you.

Now....don't forget my other bday....it will be held on JUNE 14th instead.

I expect a text or call on that day as well....because this one will be erased from my memory forever and basically didn't count at all:):) Ha!

xoxox

kristin

p.s.  Baby A and Baby B (you will have names eventually)....Thank you for causing me the most pain, torture and misery one person can handle.....and for simultaneously causing me the most excitement, joy and humility that one person can hold.

your mama



My breakout....

It's almost embarrassing how much I blog lately.

I guess that's what happens when you have so much time on your hands and countless thoughts running through your head throughout the day.

It is currently 4:29 a.m. and they just made the rounds to check my blood pressure and give me drugs. Thank goodness because I was having a contraction that had me begging for mercy.

------

Tonight I "broke out" of the hospital...literally....and attended my Smarty Pants Graduation Ceremony.

I had to FIB to the nurses all day and re-adjust my medication schedule to make it all work...and let me tell you...I was sweating bullets!  I was also forced to LIE by telling them that I was taking a "wheelchair ride" to the cafeteria with my husband and then to the courtyard to get some fresh air.

Oh my oh my oh my.

Bold. Face. Lie.

As I walked acrossed the parking lot and stepped outside for the first time in  9 days......I, of course, started bawling my head off. Jarom muttered something about me not ruining the only "freedom" I have stressing about how I have to come back. blah blah blah.

 

Spoken from someone who has seen the sunshine, driven a car and breathed fresh air daily this week and therefore wouldn't have the slightest clue how I could be feeling....am I right?

Huh??? Huh???

That's what I thought:)

I love you Jarom...but the summation of every emotion you've ever felt could fit into a 20 second period of my life. That is how emotional I am right now.  I think you will whole-heartedly agree.

-----

As we were driving away..I looked at the clock and noted that I had exactly 4 hours until the hospital bracelet I was wearing needed to be scanned, medicine needed to be taken, and I would be hunted down and in big big trouble.

 

It was a little stressful...and didn't help with the blood pressure problems.

I guess you could say that I am a RULE FOLLOWER....so Jarom had to beg me multiple times throughout the day to not spill the entire plan to every nurse who walked into my room.
It was next to impossible.

-----

I feel about 50 pounds lighter after successfully completling preschool graduation though!
If that took such a load off I can only imagine how skinny I will feel after birthing twins.

It will feel SOOOOOO good.
It will be like the morning after I had Jaxson....when I was about to hop in the shower and I made Jarom come look at how skinny I was. hahahaha!!! A few days later my mom developed pictures of that day and I realized the truth. It actually looked like I still had one more baby in there.
FAR. FROM. SKINNY.

But I could breathe...and that counts for something.

-----

My last thought for the night (I mean earlyl early morning)....is that I finally understand how an inmate must feel when they've served their time...and are about to be freed.
Yet....for some ridiculous reason they do not want to leave!!!

don't laugh at me....or roll your eyes like my husband did.
Hear me out:) ha!

I want to leave this place and be living in my "real life" so badly right now.
However, after only 9 days in the hospital I felt major anxiety after driving away!

With every ache and pain and contraction I felt MORE and MORE like my Doctor knew exactly what he was talking about when he said I need to LIVE AT THE HOSPITAL.
When I got back to this place and climbed into my horribly uncomfortable bed...and started getting my vitals taken....I felt so AT HOME:)



I called my mom and told her how I was NOW incapable of  living in the real world...with responsbility and expectations:)

I'm like one of those convicts you see on A&E who can't transition back into reality after living in captivity for so long! hahahaha!.
(If only I was entirely kidding)

------

Oh you guys....I have the best news tomorrow.
My Mother's Day weekend was looking rather bleak...but I have asked permission and I can hardly wait until morning to tell Jaxson.

It's a good thing kids are resilient...because from the tears and breakdown Jaxson had tonight when he had to leave me at the hospital...I thought we'd need family counseling/therapy to somehow rid him of the trauma this whole experience is causing him.

My mom told me he'd be fine.
So I'm choosing to go with that....over the whole "he'll never be the same and it's my fault" scenario.

-----

I'm alone for the 2nd night only at the hospital....because Jarom is being amazing again and spending the morning mowing the lawn, yardwork, weeding, planting my flowers and the little man's soccer game....ALL ALONE.

I think I'll order french toast for breakfast and then watch TV.

Good Night

xoxoxo
Kris

One week down...

My twins are still in my tummy where they belong.

Yay.

One week since contractions started UNDER MY BELT....only a few more to go.

I can do this:)

Today I ventured out of my room for 4 minutes....to walk by the nursery.

There was the tiniest most precious little boy ever laying in a basinet inside the window.

 It made my heart MELT.

I thought to myself "That is the Tiniest baby ever! I am so excited NOW...I bet that is what my babies will be like!!"

Then I decided to ask a nurse what he weighed....because I was SURE that he was about the size my twinners will be. Ummmmmm he was.... 

7 POUNDS.

ummmm.....not one possible way that my babies will be that big.

It was kind of an eye opener:)

I waltzed my butt back to bed and crossed my legs.

They are staying in there for another week...if it kills me.

-----

Today marks ONE WEEK since I was isolated from the outside world and hooked up to many...oh many....beeping monitors and fed enough drugs to stock a small town pharmacy.

I have had my ups and downs.

Yesterday I literally bawled the WHOLE DAY.

Couldn't breathe bawling....call the head nurse into my room bawling...have her call my doctor bawling...and have them all try to remind my why I couldn't sit on my couch AT HOME all day instead of on this bed without my SON.

I NEED MY CHILD.

-------

Secret: I need him A LOT more than he needs me.

For example, I am call him and he says really sweet things... like how much he loves me and I'm the best mom in the world...but then pushes me off the phone to play with one of his nanny's or aunts, get taken to the store to buy more toys...or out for an ice-cream, etc.

He is having fun.

...but I know that he misses me....

---

Let's move on to Jarom for a second.

He is being Amazing.

I am like really really really glad that I married him.

He sleeps in a rocking chair in the corner of my tiny cell (hospital room).

He gets ready for work in the tiny bathroom and leaves for work early early.

Works all day long.

Comes home (oh...I mean to the hospital)....gathers my dirty clothes, garments and such and heads to layton to do the following chores: Take out garbage, wash my clothes, water all the plants, and pack the new list of items that I've thought of throughout the day that I desperately need.

He then comes back to the hosptial (brings jaxson and we spend an hour all together in my cell)

They walk to the cafeteria and get themselves dinner.

We hand off Jaxson to Nanny.

He rubs my back.

Holds my hand during blood draws and NST's.

Hooks up my legs and feet to the anti-blood clot boots (because I can't reach my feet)

Listens to my nervous breakdown and tears about how I haven't breathed fresh air or seen the light of day for a week and how there is NO END in sight.

Tucks me in bed.

Curls up in his chair and sleeps.

(last night he finally went to sleep after my 3:00 a.m. meds)

Then of course...he wakes up and does it all again.

------

Each day he has different demands...different chores and MANY responsibilities as he is running between the house, his job and the hospital...all the while trying to balance his wife's ridiculous emotions with his son's need to see him.

He is doing it all on ZERO sleep...and percocet for his new knee that he is currently icing.

He's also snoring...and it's the best sound in the world...because I am so relieved he is getting a few hours of sleep. 

Especially because....I CANNOT.

------

I didn't blog yesterday because there was nothing to say other than...

I WANT TO DIE (all in caps).

I didn't want to complain to all of you...so I saved that for the 17 phone calls I made to loved ones...that I don't try to hide my feelings from:) haha!

However, today I am ok.

I am excited even.

My mom promises to clean my house.

I had visitors that brought me treats and books and comfy slippers and it was really really sweet.

My mom and sister are handling my preschool graduation tomorrow.

My brother in law is coming this weekend to put up baby swings and the last few things that I mentally need ready and waiting in their designated area before my babies come home...because I am a freak. (I will admit it completly)

My kid is happy and cuddling with nanny right now.

My sister in law is running errands for me.

My babies heart beats are beautiful and healthy.

and I slept until NOON.

....and ordered cheesecake for dessert which was delivered directly to my room.

I probably just made some of you jealous and wishing you were held captive at the hospital, sorry.

-----

This weekend will be interesting..with Mother's Day on Sunday and my 28th Birthday on Monday.

I sure hope that I don't get depressed again:) Sitting here alone all day.

I wish I could talk to my brother Stephen who's on a mission on Sunday!  

I wish Jarom and I could dine on the patio of The Cheesecake Factory for my B-day like we did last year...and share spinach and artichoke dip.

Jarom even planned a road trip last year and surprised me with an entire birthday weekend...not to mention tickets to see WICKED! We also did a lot of talking about how badly we wanted another baby and what names we liked. Kind of ironic that ONE YEAR LATER....we are having 2 babies and have no idea what names we like!

OH how one year can change things.

The only plans I have for my bday this year include begging Jarom to help me shave my legs.

------

Above all I wish and hope and wish and hope that these babies are big and healthy and that I will someday recover from the massive tearing and stretch marks that consume my mid-section.

I. Did. Not. Know. This. Was. Possible.

----

My goal is to make it to Monday.

Then I will set a new goal.

In the meantime...come visit me.

And bring a Jamba Juice like my friend Chelsea did....because it was heavenly.

xoxo

kris

I GET TWO BABIES!!!!

WAHOOO

Ogden Regional:)

It's been a very unexpected weekend.

When I went to the Doctor on Thursday afternoon...after running errands all morning, doing prep work for preschool, dropping by a baby shower and paying bills...I didn't expect that I wouldn't be going back home.

Sure--- I was hurting....contracting...and swollen to the most ugliest proportions....but I keep going. That's just what I do.

So...when I was admitted to the hospital instead of doing everything else on my list that evening...I was quite emotional.

1- I was going to spend the night getting Jaxson new Baseball pants for the upcoming Tball season.

2- I was going to make Jarom put up baby swing #2.

3- I was going to make a slideshow of all the darling pictures of my preschoolers over this school year. 

4- My garage is full of geraniums that I bought to fill my planters and get the porch looking springy and ready for these babies to come home! haha. They are probably dead now.

(I am one step away from psycho...but I call it nesting...so don't be rude to me)

All of the above was MY PLAN....Until....my doctor said I didn't have a choice.

I guess contractions every 5-6 minutes...that were lasting quite a while...weren't considered
"Braxton Hicks"

bummer

I'm officially in Pre-Term Labor.

******

Sitting still is the exact OPPOSITE of what comes natural for me.

I'm quite certain that BEDREST is impossible for most women....but it takes a concoction of meds and 2 Valium on a regular basis to keep me in this bed.
...even after that...I cry a lot.

My body is physically exhausted.

I miss Jaxson so badly it hurts my heart.


----

The nurse stopped in yesterday night to say that my Doctor (who has NEVER done this) called the hospital on Sunday evening to make sure that I have been able to spend time with my son.

I thnk he knows that Jaxson is my sanity.

Well....I definitely have a handsome little visitor daily...who cuddles with me and kisses the babies.
He even whispers secrets to them and tells them to stay put!
He has mastered the buttons on my bed....and we cuddle up and watch movies.

(watching Meet the Robinson's in mom's hospital bed)

He loves taking trips to the cafeteria with dad and he's doing a fabulous job without his mama.

All is fine and well until he leaves at night.
We both bawl like babies.
His tears break my heart.
We don't do "separation" that well.....me and my little man.

The concensus is that the babies are doing WONDERFUL. Perfect actually and they are happy as can be in there. Thank goodness. My body on the other hand...has reached capacity. My "frame" is done wanting to stretch and grow they say...and my uterus feels and acts like it's 39 to 40 weeks pregnant.

Considering that my body kicked Jaxson out at 36 weeks & 6 days....and he was 7.5 pounds....I can understand where it's coming from. It wants to be done. 

Right now we are successfully taking a combo of meds that are forcing my body to slow down and let them hang out inside a little longer. It's kinda painful:)  

The thing is...I relax MORE when I am busy.

Relaxing to me...is getting things accomplished.

My hands and mind need to be busy.
So...this is really a challenge for me.

Don't get me wrong....I hear from EVERYONE about how important these babies are...and how important this time is for them....and I'm pretty certain NOBODY ON THE PLANET could love them and care for them more than me....their mom. Which is precisely why I will sit here and let every muscle in my body deteriorate while trying to keep them comfy and cozy INSIDE.

However, life doesn't stop.

I have another baby too.

(I know people are taking care of him)

I have a husband.

(He WANTS me to rest)

I have a house and a yard.

(Who cares...and jarom is taking care of it all)

I have a job

(It can wait...people understand)

I have a calling.

(They prefer I sit here and rest as well!)

BUT...

Those things run through my brain and keep me up at night as I am MENTALLY pulled into mulitple directions. The guilt. The stress. The obligation. The NEED and DESIRE I have to finish everything. And finish it well.

-----

Against all odds...I have agreed to stay and try to relax and enjoy the....

Room service.

Naps.

Medicine to keep me out of pain and somewhat sleepy:)

Cup after Cup of crushed ice.

Strawberry Cheesecake

Quiet alone time with Jarom.

I guess it is worth the thousands of dollars they are probably charging me each day:) I wish it felt more like a 5 star vacation. Ha!

-----

It just makes everything seem soooooo REAL being here!

I am having TWO babies and I am very nervous and excited.

------

ANYHOW....

Jarom just left me at the hospital....for the first time.

Did I cry?

ummm....bawled.

I need that man more than anything else in the world.

He is the ONLY person who can calm me.

Last night the meds wore off and the contractions started.

 I sat up immediately and Jarom climbed into my teeny tiny hospital bed and rubbed me until the next medication time an hour later. 

When the doctor came in to check on me today...I think he was shocked to see us spooning in this little bed. hee hee. Especially because I take up 3/4 of the bed FOR SURE.

It is not uncommon for us to be found SMASHED into this little bed so I'm close to him and can actually sleep:)

Too bad the man is still healing from a major surgery only 1 week ago!
Someday we will look back at this time and be amazed at ourselves:) haha.

(Jarom's knee...picture taken by Jaxson and my iphone....ONE week post ACL reconstruction surgery)

Tonight could be rough without him...but I wanted Jaxson to spend ONE night with his dad instead of being shuffled from place to place.

----

Thanks so much for all the calls, texts, emails and thoughtful prayers sent my way.

Things are going great and my babies are doing fabulous.

I am taking things one day at a time.

I'll say it again..it's a good thing I'm stubborn....because these babies are staying in for a little while longer and I will win. Every single day is an accomplishment:)

xoxo

kristin

hospitalized:) prayers please...

I can't sleep through the contractions.

It's been a realllllyyyyyy long night for me.

I am officially admitted to Ogden Regional and in need of some prayers:)

These babies CANNOT come out yet....

CANNOT.

---

I am due for my second steroid shot to mature my babies lungs in about 45 minutes.

Ummmm....you'd think I'd be used to needles after IVF.

Nope.

Come to find out...it doens't matter how much practice you get....getting stabbed with HUGE needles is never something you get used to.

It hurts really bad and is one of the HUGE ones they give in the butt.

I don't recommend it.

-----

Contractions are coming every 5-6 minutes. I am not a happy camper right now!

They will give me Tylenol...ONLY.

Ummm....a Tylenol feels like a freaking flinstone chewable vitamin to me right now.

Things are good though.

We are busy combo-ing shots and pills in order to convince my body that it is actually having fun right now and likes having TWO babies taking over. ha. ha. ha.

---

I am ready for this to be over.

Only 3-4 more weeks...but it feels like a lifetime.

TO all my friends: I would love a little prayer sent my way:)

xoxoxoxo

Kristin

P.S. Someone figure out what I can name them.

That would also help a lot. :):)



My tub...

Yesterday I tried to scrub my Jacuzzi Tub.

I wanted a bath....and I haven't got around to hiring a cleaning lady...just yet. 

So I sprayed the entire thing down with clorox and scrubbing bubbles....braced myself against the wall and attempted to balance on one leg (not too hard for people under 200 pounds...but rather challening for me right now:) and step into the tub.

What followed was me screaming a list of profanities a mile long and then my crippled husband s limping into the bathroom screaming......

"WHAT? WHAT? What in the crap are you doing!!!!"

...as I tried to take deep breaths and explain to him what happened. 

As I stepped OVER the tile step and into the tub...my foot slipped in the cleaner and I did the chinese splits.

Holy Hell.

Worst pain imaginable.

I think I could easily have these twins naturally after living through that.

There are muscles I haven't used in 8 months down there....that were ripped from their sockets.

OH...I can't even talk about it.

I am just beginning to walk again...24 hours later:)

----

I spent the next 4 hours on the couch, drugged with two Lortab and gagging over a bowl.

It almost put me into labor.

I will be seeing the Doctor today at 2:00 p.m. to get yelled at by YET ANOTHER person about how stupid I am for attempting things like this while on BEDREST with TWINS.

----

Never underestimate how happy a clean and sparkly white tub can make a girl:)

****

The good news is: I officially have TWO of everything at this house.

After reviewing my checklist...these babies can come!

2 cribs

2 swings

2 first aid kits

2 bouncers

2 carseats

2 bumbos

2 EVERYTHING!

Everything is separated into BLUE and PINK: Bottles, Binkies, Swaddle Me's...YOU NAME IT.

I even packed their hospital bag yesterday and I still have a MONTH.

Bring it on.

Now I just need 2 Names!!!

xoxoxo

Kristin

My belly:)

Last summer when I was desperately trying to get pregnant, we took Jaxson to Lagoon.

I think it was around the Fourth of July. It was HOT, BUSY and happening for the SOLE purpose of making Jaxson GRIN. For some reason Lagoon isn't as magical as I remember when I was...oh about...SEVEN. Holy gross.  

It worked though. The kid about died with happiness.

He also calls the place Magoon....and I refuse to correct him because...are you serious????

How hilarious and darling is that?!!!!

Anyhow, we were waiting in line for the carousel as our eyes wandered to a woman standing nearby with a CHILD harnassed to her every square inch.

I kid you not.

 She had one or two on a leash...nicely attached to her belt, she had one in a backpack type concoction meant for hiking and one poor, poor 6-9 month old little girl strapped to her....FRONT...if you could call it that. It wasn't really her chest...or her stomach region even....but more like the sad apparatise she was hanging from malfunctioned and she was hanging from the crotch region just above her mothers legs:)
That little baby was sweating...hanging on for DEAR LIFE.
Jarom had to physcially reach up and push my lower jaw closed as I stared in horror. Her little head was being tossed to and fro, while the crazy lady she was harnassed to paused by a tree to take another long drag of her cigarette. Oh and yell profanities at the TWO toddlers who were harnassed to her belt.

It looked painful. Miserable. Horrible. Abusive.

It was the FIRST and LAST time we both thought:
"and people like her can have as many children as they want."

It wasn't very nice...but how I truly felt at the time.
 I wanted to rescue and love each one of those babies:)

----

I have no idea why that memory flashed to mind today...other than on Sunday I walked past the body mirror in my bedroom and noticed something! I look like I have a baby hanging from my every sqaure inch as well:) I can now totally relate to her stressed-out look.

Although I know better....It looks like one baby is definitely hiding in my butt, with one in each thigh and TWO hanging on for dear life from a pouch on my FRONT. It is getting so heavy I physically have to help hold it with my arms sometimes...to prevent what feels like "internal tearing of the stomach muscles".

OH, I feel so glamorous!!

-----

I'll prove it!

(31 weeks with twins...and in stretch pants...posting to the internet....I.HAVE.NO.PRIDE!)
haha.

I swear to you on my life...the day my thighs stop touching I will grin from ear to ear and be the nicest person you've ever met.

-----

Today my husband had surgery.

It was kind of awful and traumatic. for me.

Jarom...well, he is pretending to be fine. for my sake.

I mean....a couple of percocet and a Doctor Pepper and he's doing miraculous.

He even just used crutches to hobble upstairs and put Jaxson to bed while I consumed a bowl of fat free/sugar free mint chocolate chip ice-cream. (I'm a Diabetic remember...ha!)

Me: I did fine until about 4:00 p.m. and then fell apart and lost approximately 3 pounds from tears alone. 

Today was not my best.

One of the nurses actually took me back into the recovery room and started feeding me ice-chips while I was shoveling them into Jarom's mouth at the same time. Holy embarrassing.
Jarom was trying to WAKE UP from general anethesia and I was trying to not to pass out and occupy the gurney next to him:)

As I said to his nurse.....LOOK AT ME (pointing to the very obvious fact that I have a few offspring hanging from my front)! Does it look like I can be left alone????

Please let him wake up! PLEASE oh PLEASE oh PLEASE.
(as I was consenting to post op instructions that listed BLOOD CLOTS as a possibility!)
HOLY...MELTDOWN.

---

Do we take on TOO MUCH at one time: ALWAYS. ABSOLUTELY.
It's just our style for some reason.
I do not recommend it.

-------------

It didn't help that it was seriously the hottest day in April that I've ever experienced!

S.W.E.A.T.I.N.G. 

Was it 90???? Cause it felt like 120!!!

My favorite part is when they handed me his bag of clothes and had me get him dressed.

Do I look like like I am capable of ANYTHING right now?

They had him lean on me...and said "just act like his crutch"....

is this happening to me???????

(no problem lady....it's just that every bone from my waist down is soft and as pliable as jello...and my doctor warns me to avoid stairs or tripping for fear that I'll dislocate hips and such things)
but no worries....I will escort him to the bathroom and help him pee. Don't you worry....
GGEEEEZZZZZZ!

When we got home...and I fed him lunch....I swelled up to gigantic proportions and I slept for hours. I also proceeded to act like it was ME who had been sliced open and sedated.

------

A few days have passed and although I can sure tell a dramatic story....things are somewhat ok at our house.
Not fabulous...but OK.

I had a really really really rough...and by rough I mean PAINFUL...night and awoke in tears. I called my mom and bawled and snorted...while screaming things like..."IT HURTS!" I basically had a complete panic attack because of the constant pain. It started pretty intense yesterday afternoon around 2:00 p.m. and I just tried to "deal with it". Well, after the entire afternoon, evening and a horrible night....6:00 a.m. was my breaking point.

My crippled husband helped lift me from the tub...and rubbed my back and swollen, swollen legs and feet until I could make it to the car. He then drove me to Mckay Dee Hospital to see my doctor.

He skipped his pain pills and hobbled on crutches all around town today in PAIN....just to take care of me. Oh and fill my prescriptions for percocet:)

I am so lucky to have him.

----

My Doctor told me that my ligaments and muscles on the right side of my uterus are tearing/stretching past capacity...pretty much.

It feels exactly like that!!!!
Like...I am being "TORN" from the inside out.

He prescribed me some heavy narcotics and told me that I'm only THREE WEEKS away from these babies needing any kind of steroids or help getting strong before they come!
I am sooo close.

My baby BOY is currently taking up residence on my right side...and he is BIG. He is ruthless and probably the culprit of this pain. My doctor and nurses enjoy watching him freak out during non-stress tests. He will literally kick the monitor off of himself and do everything to move away from it. They say they have to CHASE him down.

-----

So....like I said....things are OK at our house.
Jaxson has had some fun playdates with friends...while BOTH of his parents are currently on strict bed-rest with their legs elevated above heart level.

We are such a cute couple right now.
When we emerged from our car at the Mckay Dee Hospital Valet station today....the escorts didn't know which one of to put in a wheelchair!
hahaha!

------

We can do this!

...and in a few weeks....
jarom will be able to walk...
and I will be able to breath and climb stairs....
and we will be a FAMILY OF FIVE...like Jaxson tells me about 30 times a day!


Thanks for listening and for all the sweet comments and emails:)

xoxoxo
kristin